I Still Need You
by DivineViolets
Summary: JONAS LA. Nick struggles to cope with losing Macy. Even after a year of her being gone, all he can do survive is to re-live and remember when they were together and happy. Very angsty and sad, so bring tissues! Nick-centric. Nick/Macy of course. ONE-SHOT


**Disclaimer: I don't own the Jonas Brothers, Jonas L.A., etc. Although if I did, Nick and Nicole would be married and having adorable Nickole babies and we'd get a third season of Jonas L.A. filled with all kinds of Nacy cuteness and tons of Nacy kisses. :) **

**A/N: So I wrote this for the Girl Saves Boy fic-a-thon over on LiveJournal, because we always get stories where the boy saves the girl, but we never see ones where the girl saves the boy. It may not seem like it until the very middle, but this is a girl-saves-boy story. :)**

** This LONG one-shot was a labor of love for me. Seriously, it's 9,300+ words and pretty much un-betaed. It's my first attempt at writing angst, so I'm really proud of the way it turned out. Special thanks go out to my besties Mandy and Audrey for helping me through my writing process. Special shout-out to all my FF Nacy thread ladies! Hope you all like it! BTW, be sure to have a box of tissues handy! You're gonna need it, trust me.**

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Nick stood by the entrance of his nearly empty apartment, almost ready to leave it for the last time. He had only spent three years living in this apartment, but had experienced so many things and gone through so much in that time. He knew he had to leave, because even though he wanted nothing more than to stay here forever with all his memories, it just wouldn't be right. It wouldn't feel right. This was supposed to be the apartment, the _home_, where they started their new life together. Staying here alone, without her, just wasn't an option.

All of the memories he'd made here really made it seem like he'd spent his whole lifetime living within these walls. He would never forget what they had here, or who they were here; the moments they'd shared, the memories they'd made. Wanting to give the place one last walk through, just to see if he had left anything behind and to reminisce a bit, he shifted his body to set the last two boxes of his personal possessions down on the hardwood floor. He accidentally shuffled the boxes a bit while placing them down, causing a smaller black box to fall and scatter its contents all over the otherwise empty living room.

Nick shut his eyes and sighed loudly, completely aware of the black leather box with white stitching that now lay askew on the floor beside him, and readied himself for the emotions that would hit him once he picked it up. Kneeling down, he reached over and carefully lifted the leather box, letting his fingertips and his gaze run over the surface of it as he turned it right side up. His gaze landed on the top of the box, where the words "Your Biggest Fan" were written neatly on a piece of paper and placed in the photo holder instead of an actual photo. He placed his hand over the words and closed his eyes, hoping that the dull, throbbing pain that usually came next would not show up this time, even though he knew it never really left in the first place.

He'd always wanted to talk with Stella, Joe or even Kevin about this, to see if they felt the same pain he did. But he'd always rather be alone when his thoughts gravitated to Macy, which happened pretty often. So he never brought it up, kept his pain and feelings internal until he was in this apartment; until he was in their home, and in turn, closer to her. Nick never let anyone ever see how upset he was, never shed a tear until he was completely alone. He never let on in public that he was always in agony, every single minute of every single day.

Completely frustrated with everything he was feeling, he finally opened his eyes and reached for his cell phone before he could change his mind.

"Hello?"

"Stella? Hey, it's me," said Nick slowly, standing up and walking towards the windows on the opposite side of the room. "I know it's early, but, are you busy right now? I need to talk to you."

"I'm on my way to a wardrobe fitting, but I can talk for a little bit," answered Stella, slightly worried. Nick hardly ever called her needing to talk.

"No, Stell, I need to talk to you in person," replied Nick, his voice wavering, but hoping she got the hint anyway. He stared out the window, a sad smile appearing on his face as he watched snowflakes swirl their way down from the steel gray sky to the world below, realizing at the same time that a rough day and night lay in store for him.

"Oh Nick," breathed Stella, finally realizing what was going on. "You're still at the apartment, aren't you?"

"Yeah. I just wanted…to spend one more night here. I thought I'd be…okay, you know. I-I was doing fine until…"Nick stopped, shutting his eyes as tears threatened to spill over onto his cheeks if he kept them open. Placing the heel of his hand on his forehead, he took a deep breath and tried to finish his sentence coherently. "I-I just…I was about to leave and…I-I can't."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

"…Thanks."

Still clutching his cell phone as if it were his only tie to this world, he opened his eyes to take in more of the beautiful sight at his window. They had always loved watching the snowflakes swirl downwards from this window, cuddled under a blanket and completely content with life as they sat together on the window seat. His vision gradually blurred as his eyes became watery before quickly shutting them again, allowing only one stray tear to make its way down his cheek. He'd already let so many tears fall at this window lately that just one more wouldn't make a difference. He'd spent so much time glued to the same spot ,thinking about that same moment; as if the more he relived that precious memory, that maybe, just maybe, he could be stuck there in that perfect moment forever and never have to leave it…or her.

Forcing himself to move away from the window and that precious memory, Nick slowly made his way across the nearly empty room and stood just within the doorway to his bedroom. His eyes swept over the sight before him; four beige walls, another window seat, a closet door and the bare, hardwood floor were all that remained from what use to be his warm, inviting bedroom. The bedroom furniture they'd picked out together no longer occupied the room and sight of bare walls hurt him deeply, as he remembered the days he spent picking out special pictures of the two of them, getting all of his favorites specially framed and hanging them throughout the room.

Leaning against the door frame, he deeply inhaled, willing himself to not succumb, not to give in this time, unlike every other time he was here by himself. But he knew, even before he thought it to himself; he'd always give in, he'd always succumb to this intense pain, because it hurt so much more trying to forget.

Exhaling forcefully, as if all the frustration and all the hurt could leave his body in that one exhale, he leaned his back against the wall and slid down, almost collapsing on the floor. He let his head rest against the wall as he looked back into the empty room, past conversations and memories flooding his head.

_Nick slowly opened the door to the apartment as quietly as he could and stuck his head around it to make sure that no one was around. After making sure the room was empty, he quietly shut the door and tip-toed the rest of the way into the living room, setting down the bouquet of flowers and the small box he'd brought home for her on the coffee table. He couldn't believe it was already their four-year anniversary. Time flies, he thought, especially since the past four years had been the best and most fulfilling years of his life thus far. _

_He quietly walked to the bedroom door, which was left half open, and silently watched as she slipped on a pair of silver heels and looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a white sundress that loosely skimmed her body, cinched at the waist with a red belt and he thought she looked gorgeous in the outfit. He leaned against the door frame, unable to look away, knowing that he was the luckiest guy on Earth to be able to call this goddess his girlfriend._

"_Hey babe," he said softly after staring for few minutes, not waiting to startle her too badly. _

_Macy turned her head towards his voice and upon seeing him leaning against the door frame, she let out a little yelp of surprise, her hands flying up to her chest. _

"_Nick!"_

"_Yes, honey?" he responded with as straight of a face as he could muster, biting his lip to prevent a laugh from escaping. He couldn't help it if she was absolutely adorable when she was scared._

"_You scared me! I didn't even hear you come in," she replied, her heart still pounding in her chest. She noticed the amused look on his face as she walked towards him and gasped incredulously. Lightly hitting him in the arm before crossing her own, she huffed, "You did that on purpose, didn't you!"_

"_I don't know what you're talking about, Mace," he lied, feigning complete innocence. _

"_Oh, you do too know," she exclaimed, turning on her heels and heading back into the walk-in closet they shared, leaving the door open only a crack. _

_Nick waited at the bedroom door for ten minutes, hearing lots of shuffling and occasional soft gasps from inside the closet, before he made his way to the doorway of the closet and called out to her._

"_Mace, what're you doing in there?" _

"_Close your eyes," she called back, hiding behind the door. He sighed as he followed her orders and shut his eyes. She peeked her head around from behind the door, looking to make sure his eyes were truly closed before she fully opened the door. "Okay, you can look."_

_He opened his eyes and immediately felt like his breath had been sucked right out of his lungs. She stood in front of him, absolutely stunning, wearing a short royal blue strapless dress that looked amazing against her tan complexion and clung to her curves like a second skin. The silver heels she had slipped on earlier were a great compliment to the color of the dress and, as an added bonus, they made her slim legs seem like they'd go on for miles. Even though she had looked gorgeous in her first outfit, it couldn't even compare to the one she had on now. He tried to say something to her, but all that he was capable of communicating at the moment was nothing but stuttered syllables and incomplete words._

"_How do I look?" asked Macy, as she slowly twirled around, showing off her dress. She could feel his gaze on her so intensely as she turned, that she blushed a bit as she faced him once again. She beamed after seeing his initial reaction and tried not to giggle at his inability to form a complete word. She walked forward and stopped directly in front of him, leaving very little space, if any at all, between their bodies. She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck as she quietly asked him about his opinion._

"_So, do you like this outfit on me?"_

"_Of course I do, sweetheart. You look absolutely gorgeous," he answered softly as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He tilted his head down to look at her just as she looked up at him and their gazes met, each one slowly losing themselves in each other's eyes. Feeling her eyes pulling him down, Nick slowly bent his head down and tenderly kissed her, trying to show her with every movement of his lips just how beautiful she was. He reluctantly pulled away, breaking the kiss, because it finally seemed like the perfect moment he'd been asking for. _

"_Mace, could you do me a favor?" he requested softly, still holding her in his arms._

"_Of course." _

"_Close your eyes, sweetheart."_

_Hesitating a bit, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, absolutely clueless as to what was going on. He whispered into her ear that he'd be right back, for her to keep her eyes closed and not to peek. Rushing into the living room, Nick carefully grabbed the bouquet of assorted flowers, containing pink roses, white lilies, irises and mini-carnations, which the florist assured him was the most beautiful bouquet in the entire store. He picked up the jewelry box off the table and placed it in his pocket, took a deep breath and readied himself for the most important moment of his life. _

_He walked back into the bedroom, butterflies and knots in his stomach at the same time, his breath catching as he saw her again. His heart raced faster and faster with each step he took as he closed the distance between them. She stood in the same place he'd left her, with her eyes still shut, fidgeting with her hands as she usually did when she was nervous. His heart swelled with all the love he felt for this amazing woman and he knew, as he always had, that she was it for him. _

"_Okay, sweetie, open your eyes," he said, standing in front of her and holding out the bouquet, after taking a deep breath. _

_Her eyes fluttered open, gasping as she took in the sight before her. She looked down at the gorgeous flowers as he carefully placed them into her hands, smiling that special smile reserved only for his eyes. "Nick, these are gorgeous! Thank you, sweetheart."_

"_Mace, I'm not finished yet. I have something else for you." He softly took her open hand and clasped it in between both of his. Looking into her hazel eyes, he began to speak from his heart. _

"_These past four years have been the most fulfilling years of my life, both professionally and personally. It all began that summer in Los Angeles when we were all together. My career really started taking off with JONAS and the solo project with Mantra. Plus, we fell in love." Nick took a deep breath, trying to calm down his pounding heart, before he continued on. _

"_Before you, I felt completely alone. No one truly understood me. Then you came along, loving me unconditionally as a fan and actually willing to take the time and effort to really understand who I was. Although I was bit scared that you'd physically injure me at first, I was so thankful to have someone in my life that actually seemed to get me. I know I've told you this before, but when we went on tour that year, right before our summer in L.A., I really missed having that around. I really missed having you around. I never want to feel that way again, Mace." _

_She watched him as he spoke, completely feeling everything he was trying to express in words. The love for him in her heart continued to grow, as it did every day, but something about today felt different. She couldn't shake the feeling that today was going to end up meaning so much more to the both of them. _

"_Even though I am so thankful for my career, I want you to know that none of it would mean anything without you. I would give up everything and do absolutely anything before I'd separate myself from you."_

_Then, he gently let her hand go and reached into his pocket to grab the small box he'd placed there earlier. After taking one last deep breath, he slowly got down on one knee and held out the box. She gasped loudly and her hands moved quickly to cover her mouth, tears already beginning to blur her vision._

"_Macy, you are my world and my life. You're my everything. I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you. I never want to know how it feels to be without you. Macy Misa, please make me the happiest man in the world and be mine forever. Will you marry me?" _

_Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she stood there looking at Nick, the man she loved with all her heart, who had just asked her to marry him. She smiled as best she could while crying and slowly shook her head yes before she was able to say it out loud. _

"_Yes. Yes, Nick, of course!"she announced, as Nick slid the gorgeous diamond ring onto her finger. He stood up and showered Macy with kisses as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He beamed, absolutely ecstatic, and picked her up off the ground, keeping her tightly in his embrace. Twirling her around in the air, he basked in her laughter, knowing that he had a lifetime of joy to start looking forward to._

Hoping to escape the heart wrenching memories that threatened to suffocate him, Nick shut his eyes and tried to clear his mind. He was unable to stop tears from streaming down his cheeks as he relived the happiest moment of his life, desperately longing for a miracle; to actually be able to live the life they would've had together instead of this empty one he was left with. The constant reminders of her were so bittersweet for him; her warm smile, her melodious laugh, her sweet and always loving voice still so fresh in his mind, even though it had been a year since he'd last really seen and heard them. All he needed was to hear her name or see her picture to smile, thinking of all the love still in his heart for his Macy, before the heartache inevitably began again, remembering that she was no longer there for him to kiss, to hold or to love. Using the wall for support, he slowly got up from the floor, eyes still burning with unshed tears and his heart still crying out for the only person who made him feel complete. He felt like his mind and body were surrounded in a cloudy haze, as if he were walking through someone else's dream, able to see everything but touch nothing. Precious memories and sweet images of his Macy flew right by him, each step taking him further and further away from her.

His eyes were so dry and sore, most likely bright red and completely bloodshot from all the tears he hadn't been able to hold back. Brushing away the streaks that remained on his cheek with the back of his hand, Nick shuffled over to the piano, needing to channel his overwhelming emotions into music. Nearly collapsing onto the cushioned bench, he let his body fall forward and rested his head against the cool surface. Whenever his emotions threatened to overwhelmed him, this piano always allowed him to just let everything out in the form of melodies and lyrics. In the past, his acoustic guitar was always his go-to instrument whenever he began feeling this way; but ever since he received the beautiful, black baby grand piano as a 21st birthday present from Macy, Stella and his brothers, he always seemed to prefer it over his guitar, especially whenever his thoughts were consumed by Macy.

Nick took a few deep breaths to collect himself before sitting up and lifting the cover of the piano to reveal the shiny black and white keys. Letting his fingers gently run over the tops of the keys like he usually did, he suddenly felt an odd connection with the piano that hadn't ever happened before. It felt like they were one entity and that whatever he was feeling, the piano would be able to translate it perfectly into melodies and harmonies. His eyes closed, trusting wholeheartedly in the new, yet eerily familiar-feeling connection and began to let his fingers play freely among the keys.

The melody that came from the body of the piano was one that he knew well, having written it himself during that amazing summer in Los Angeles, where he and Macy had discovered their feelings for each other and taken the chance, each accepting all the risks, to be together. He'd written the song before that moment had come about, not knowing any other way to express how he felt about Macy other than putting it into music. He had stayed behind on their third day in LA, while Macy, Stella, Joe and Kevin went out to explore their new home city for the next three months, choosing instead to spend the entire day by himself in the home recording studio, playing and writing. A gem of a song had come from that day; not that he ever told anyone how that song had come about or ever revealing who had inspired it. The first person he'd ever played that song for was his producer Mantra, back when they had met up for the first time, Mantra being interested in producing a solo project for Nick and wanting to learn more about him. He played the song that day, fully connecting emotionally with the lyrics he'd written, even though he and Macy had been together for about two months at that point, with Mantra watching the whole thing in awe. That had been the start of their partnership, the very beginning of his solo side project that had become his main focus, ever since the band had decided to take year-long break, and Macy had been a big part of it all.

He sang the lyrics he wrote to accompany the melody, feeling the same emotional connection to the song that he felt when he first wrote it and again when he played it for Mantra. _This is critical, I am feeling helpless. So hysterical, this can't be healthy. I can't eat or sleep when you're not with me. Baby, you're the air I breathe. This is critical, yeah, so stuck on you._ With every word he sang, his voice broke a little more, his mind consumed once again with sweet memories of them together. As the song reached the final chorus, his mind drifted to their final moments together, as he knew it would. Usually, Nick avoided thinking about that day at all costs, preferring anything to the heartache that came each time he had to re-live it; but today and with this song, he knew it was inevitable. So while his fingers continued to dance along the black and white keys, he allowed the memories of that night to flood his senses as the heartache began to set in.

_"Thanks for driving home, Mace. I have no idea why I got so tired all of a sudden," yawned Nick, as he stretched out in the front seat, finally able to relax now that he wasn't surrounded by people._

"_Oh, it's no problem, sweetie. Besides, you had such a busy week, with your tour ending just a couple of days ago and the engagement party that Joe and Stella threw for us tonight. It was so sweet of them though," responded Macy, turning her head away from the empty interstate for a second to steal a glance at her fiancé, who had already dozed off. She smiled to herself, before turning her head to focus on the road ahead. _

_Nick was in and out of consciousness, so tired from everything he'd done during the week. Leave it to Joe and Stella to plan an engagement party two days after the last show of his first solo tour. Granted, they had been asking to throw an engagement party ever since they found out a year ago that they were finally engaged. Wanting to keep the news between them and their closest friends for a little while, he and Macy swore them all to secrecy. When they finally revealed their engagement a few weeks ago, Joe and Stella immediately jumped at the chance to finally throw them the party they'd always wanted. _

_He reached over and gently took Macy's hand in his as he kept his eyes closed, trying to fall back asleep. All of a sudden, he heard her gasp and felt her hand tighten around his. Opening his eyes, he was suddenly blinded by bright white headlights that were heading straight for him, before feeling the car jerk to one side, her loud voice yelling "I love you, Nick" twice, struggling to be heard over the deafening sounds of shattering glass and crunching metal before he was completely enveloped in silent darkness._

Bracing himself for the worst of the pain, Nick continued playing, repeating the song again, not wanting to break the connection between him and the piano. As he returned to play through the first verse, tears welled up in his eyes and began to slip downwards, hitting the back of his hands. He was afraid he wouldn't have enough strength to finish, that he couldn't handle anymore of the pain that remembering these moments brought. Just then, a strange feeling came over him, enveloping his entire body and seemingly taking all the pressure and some of the pain away. It was as if Macy were sitting right next to him, letting him know that he wasn't alone; comforting, reassuring, giving him all the strength he needed and urging him to continue at the same time. She knew he needed this, that his spirit needed the reminder; she knew him better than he knew himself. His fingers continued playing, the melody of her song never stopping, and the images came back to him again, bringing a worse, heart-throbbing pain along for the ride.

_He was surrounded by darkness again. The sounds were hazy and muffled, but he could make out a steady and consistent beeping in the background. Was this heaven? No, of course not, what was he thinking? There'd be no annoying beeping in heaven. That must mean that he survived, though he very fuzzy on what exactly had happened; he was still alive. Somehow, though, that didn't seem to calm a feeling of uneasiness that lingered in his stomach. The sounds were getting clearer, now able to make out some whispering coming from people that seemed so far away, but he was still floating in the darkness. His eyelids fluttered open, replacing the darkness with light, and he struggled to regain his bearings again. _

_He heard a female voice come from somewhere within the blinding light. "Oh my god, he's waking up." _

_His vision was blurry, only being able to make out three moving blobs of colors that got bigger as they moved towards him. As he began to regain focus, he saw a world of white around him; the white walls, white ceiling tiles, white curtains, white hospital bedding and sterile instruments suffocating him instead of making him feel better. The three blobs he realized were Stella, Joe and Kevin, now standing over him, worried looks etched on their faces. Stella's eyes were bloodshot and his brothers both looked extremely tired, all three of the still wearing the same clothes they had worn to the engagement party the night before. The engagement party…driving home…the truck's blinding headlights…the sudden jerk of their car…crunching metal …Macy's voice yelling out. Oh god, Macy._

"_WHERE'S MACY?" he said panicking, his heart now pounding out of his chest. She wasn't in the room with them. Trying to sit up quickly, he felt the pull of tubes and wires against his skin, keeping him bound to his current location. Frustrated as all hell, he frantically tried to find where the tubes and wires were connected to his body so he could rip them off and find her, nearly yelling at this point. "WHAT HAPPENED? IS SHE OKAY? OH GOD, PLEASE TELL ME SHE'S OKAY."_

"_Hey dude, you gotta relax," responded Kevin gently, softly placing a hand on Nick's chest to keep him from trying to sit up again. "You need to stay put, bro. They have to monitor you, to make sure everything's okay."_

"_KEVIN, I NEED TO SEE MACY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. I NEED TO SEE THAT SHE'S OKAY. DAMMIT, WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME ANYTHING?"_

_Kevin exchanged looks with Stella and Joe, and nodded his head at them before he turned his head to Nick again, a hint of sadness visible behind his eyes. He took a deep breath before he slowly began. "Um, there's no easy way to tell you this, Nick. Last night, on your way home from the engagement party, a truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and crossed the entire median, heading straight into oncoming traffic. The police said that based on the skid marks left on the road, Macy turned the wheel at the last moment, saving you from the brunt of the impact. The truck hit her side first, instead of hitting it head-on. Nick… Macy's in a coma…and the doctors don't think she'll make it."_

_The uneasy feeling in his stomach exploded into a flurry of conflicting emotions, a look of shock registering on his face as he mentally processed everything Kevin has said. He shut his eyes, feeling the tears that were coming, completely unable to comprehend what was going on. No, this couldn't be happening. But why would they lie to him about this? He exhaled deeply before he turned back to his brothers and Stella, their eyes focused on him as he struggled to speak calmly. "Guys, please let me see her. I need to talk to her. Please."_

_The next thing he knew, Joe and Kevin were walking down the hallway with him towards the room where Macy was being kept. Her doctor met him at her door, quickly briefing him on her condition and sharing the grim news that she probably didn't have much longer. Nick turned to look at his brothers, thanking them for their moral support, explaining that he needed to do this alone and that he'd be right back. The two other brothers shared a worried look and told him they'd be waiting here whenever he was ready. _

_Pushing open the door, the first sight he saw was a pale-faced Macy lying peacefully on the hospital bed with all kinds of machines attached to her, monitoring her every movement. He watched the slight rise and fall of her chest over and over, mentally noting that it meant she was still alive and that was a good sign. He made his way to Macy's side, softly taking her hand in his, hoping that she would somehow recognize his touch. As his eyes traced over the soft features of her beautiful face, he couldn't seem to stop the tears that streamed down his cheek, thinking about everything his gorgeous fiancé put herself through to protect him, to save him from harm. Tightly shutting his eyes, he could feel the anger growing inside of him, anger towards himself for not protecting her the way she protected him._

"_Macy, darling, it's Nick," he breathed, squeezing her hand and running his thumb across the back of it. This was all too much to bear, too much for his heart to take. But he had to talk to her, had to tell her everything he needed to say, or else he may never get the chance again. Not knowing how to even begin to start, how to say everything in his heart within a short span of time, he said the only thing that was crystal clear in his mind. "I love you with all my heart and with everything inside of me. I love you and I always will, no matter what happens."_

_The tears wouldn't stop now, nor did he want them to. Bringing her hand to his face, he placed it against his cheek, committing every feeling to memory, just in case it was all he was left with. His throat tightened up, making it hard for him to breathe, but still he persisted, needing to fully share his heart with the woman he loved before it was too late. "Why did you save me? Why did you turn the wheel, Mace? You saved me, darling, but I don't want to be here without you. I wish you would've just let the truck hit me..."_

"_Don't you dare…say that, Nick," whispered Macy, barely audible. Her eyes were still closed, but she spoke all the same._

"_Macy," he replied incredulously, kissing the back of her hand and running his hand through her hair, "oh my god, you're awake!" Yelling loudly for his brothers to get a doctor, he swiped the tears on his cheek away with the back of his hand, smiling widely at the girl in front of him. "You're going to be okay, Macy, I know it."_

"…_I don't think so, baby."_

"_Macy, sweetie, don't even say that. You need to think positive. You're going to be healthy and back to normal in no time. I love you and I will never leave your side."_

"_I love you so much, Nick, with all my heart. You need to know that, okay darling. Hold on to that forever." She inhaled deeply, her face flinching from all the pain she felt. Exhaling slowly, she squeezed his hand and gazed into his eyes, tears brimming in hers at the same time. "I am so lucky to have been loved by you."_

"_Macy, stop talking like this. Stop talking like you aren't going to make it." The tears kept streaming down his cheeks as he tried to convince her that everything was going to be fine. He couldn't understand, didn't want to understand why she didn't believe in herself the way he did. She saved his life, why couldn't she let him save hers?_

"_Darling, you have to listen to me. I feel like I don't have much longer. Please, just listen. I have something I want to give you," she whispered still, slowly reaching over to the mobile table that was by her side. Taking the hand that held hers, she placed a silver, chain-link charm bracelet into his palm, letting her hand linger there for a few moments. _

_He sat there, unable to say anything, listening to her voice, just like she asked. She spoke slowly and softly, but said everything firmly, completely confident in the words she was saying. Tears were falling down her face, one by one, and she had to stop every few words to take a deep breath, but she was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever known. _

"_I bought this bracelet a week after you proposed to me, Nick. That day was the happiest day of my life and I wanted something to symbolize everything I feel for you. I looked for something to add to the bracelet, but couldn't find anything that felt right. Then I found this quote: '_Those things which are precious are saved only by sacrifice.' _I had it engraved onto a heart charm, because I would do anything, sacrifice anything, to protect you. I love you that much."A look of pain came upon her face; she grimaced, wanting to say everything before her time was up and hoping that she had enough in her to hold on long enough. "Don't ever ask why I saved you or say that I shouldn't have, because you mean everything to me and you have gifts that need to be shared with the world. How could I not save you? How could I deny the world the chance to see you at your full potential, to experience everything that you're going to accomplish? I was lucky enough to have you for as long as I did. My dearest wish is for you to be happy; for you to be as happy as you've made me and for you to be loved the way you loved me. I was so lucky to know what it was like, to know how it felt, to be loved by you."_

"_Macy, I love you. I always will. Please, just hold on, for me. I don't want to live without you. I can't. I'm nothing without you." He said anything that came to his mind, pulled out everything he had in him to convince her not to succumb; she couldn't leave him, he wouldn't be able to take it. "Please don't leave me…"_

"_Nick, don't ever doubt yourself. You'll do great things. I'll always be with you, no matter what happens. Whenever you feel alone or you begin to doubt yourself, always remember my bracelet and the words that will be on that charm forever. Keep it close to your heart. Those words are like my love for you, it'll be here forever."_

_With that, her breathing became shallow and her eyes closed slowly. The humming from the machines that had remained in the background suddenly stopped, instead emitting a loud and constant beeping sound, alerting the hospital staff that they were losing her. _

"_Macy! MACY! Baby, no, please stay with me! Come back to me," he screamed, shaking her, trying to wake her up again. He felt her hand go limp and yelled for someone to help her, before gathering her body in his arms and letting out a heart wrenching sob. "MACY!"_

Piercing pains shot through his heart as the last image burned brightly in his mind and the sobs he had been trying to hold back finally broke through, escaping his lips in the form of a heartbreaking wail. His fingers held down the keys they had been on, the notes and his sobs reverberating through the apartment before fading into silence. Collapsing against the piano once again, he leaned over the keys still sobbing, tears falling onto the black and white keys and disappearing among them.

_The service was beautiful and absolutely fitting for Macy. Her smiling face filled the room as pictures of her were pinned to corkboards that lined the perimeter of the chapel. People began to fill the back of the chapel, whispering to each other about the tragedy and what a shame it was to lose her at so young an age. Nick sat alone in the front pew, unable and unwilling to deal with people, directly in front of his favorite picture of her. Stella had taken it the day he and Macy had revealed their secret relationship and, unbeknownst to them, she had captured a perfect shot of Macy as she listened and watched in awe as he serenaded her in front of their friends. It was a perfect day and he'd give anything to be able to turn back the clock and live in that moment forever. His parents, Joe, Kevin and Stella all joined him in the pew as the service started, each of them placing their hand on his shoulder as they sat down, letting him know that they were there for him._

_Most of the service was a blur to him. Person after person told stories about Macy, highlighting her sense of humor, her vibrant personality, her super-human athletic ability among other things. But she was so much more than that. When they asked him to say a few words, he walked up to the podium and stared out into the full chapel. After taking a deep breath, he pulled out her charm bracelet from his pocket and held it in his hand as he began to speak directly from his heart._

"_I don't really have much to say. I tried for a long time, to think of something to say to you all about my fiancé; maybe a story about us that I will never forget or what my favorite thing about her was. Nothing sounded right until I found this quote. '_Being_ deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.' Loving Macy definitely gave me courage. She gave me the courage to go after things that I didn't even know I wanted, the courage to step out of my comfort zone, the courage to go on when all I wanted was to give up, and most importantly, she gave me the courage to just be myself. She was always there at the end of the day, and that was all that ever mattered to me. Loving Macy gave me courage…but being loved by Macy gives me courage and strength every day. She will always be a part of me. No matter where the rest of my life takes me, she'll always be by my side and I'll never stop loving her. She'll be with me forever." _

_Tightly clutching her bracelet, he made his way back to his seat in between his dad and Stella, not shedding a tear until he was safely tucked between them. Reassuring hugs came from all around him, but the only one he wanted was the one he'd never be able to have again. He had spent the rest of the funeral service clinging to his family and Stella, crying as many tears as he had in himself and wondering how, in God's name, was he supposed to live without his Macy. He sat at the back of the chapel after the service ended, trying to compose himself enough to head over to the burial, but people kept coming up to him, commenting on what he had said earlier and trying their best to say something comforting. Surprisingly enough, nothing anyone said comforted him or made his tears stop. _

_And nothing could keep him from sobbing as hard as he physically could when everyone finally left him alone, staring at the pile of dirt underneath which her body lay. Unable to bear the intense pain he was feeling, Nick sank to his knees in the grass and sobbed. He sobbed for everything he had lost; for all the dreams held in his heart that died when she did. He sobbed for Macy and the beautiful life she would have had. He sobbed for Stella, who had lost her confidante, her go-to girl for advice and her absolute best friend in the entire world. He sobbed more for his brothers, who lost their number one fan, their website manager and an amazing best friend. Mostly though, he sobbed for himself; for all the pain and heartache he knew would never go away and for having no other choice but to live without the one person he couldn't live without. _

_Stella, Joe and Kevin came back to find him sobbing into the grass, and even though it broke their hearts to have to do it, they lifted him up by his arms and pulled him away towards their car. He put up a small struggle before finally giving in and agreeing to leave. Walking away, Nick turned to look over his shoulder, back at her grave. Closing his eyes, all he could see was Macy's face, warmly smiling that special smile reserved only for him. _

_He wanted to reach out to her so badly; to touch her cheek, kiss her lips and keep his Macy tucked safely in his arms for the rest of his life. But he'd never be able to hold her again, never feel her lips on his or hear her voice sweetly whisper I-love-you's into his ear again. The full realization of this hit him now and an intense pain split through his heart, as if it were actually breaking or actually being ripped apart. Releasing a heartbreaking final sob, he let his head fall forward as Stella, Joe and Kevin continued to support him and make their way to the car, tears falling from their eyes the entire way._

Stella slowly pushed the front door of the apartment open, Joe and Kevin right beside her, all three worried about Nick. They spotted him sitting in the window seat, head resting against a wall, and staring blankly out the window; the same spot he'd always ended up whenever he thought about her.

"Hey guys. Thanks for coming…" Nick uttered slowly, his voice raw with emotion and his breath catching, making him unable to say the last few words. He was still clutching her bracelet, absentmindedly running his thumb over the heart-shaped charm that dangled from the chain. As his thumb moved over the words engraved on the surface, a slight feeling of warmth and comfort began to surround him as he quietly recited the quote that had been burned into his memory. It was a familiar feeling, one he knew well but hadn't felt in so long; it felt like he was being enveloped in a loving embrace. The feeling reminded him of the way he felt whenever he was in Macy's arms, as if she were sitting right there next to him, holding him in her arms and trying to give him all the strength and comfort he needed. Feeling his eyes watering up again, he bit his lip to stop any tears from falling before finishing his sentence. "…all of you."

"Nick," whispered Stella, clinging onto Joe, as her heart ached seeing Nick's intense pain and tears welled up in her eyes. She looked over at Joe, took a deep breath and squeezed his hand before softly saying, "If you need to talk, we're right here."

"And we're not leaving," Kevin stated.

"Until you're okay," added Joe, squeezing Stella's hand in return.

Making their way to him, the three took in the sight before them; Nick's possessions and pictures of Macy strewn throughout the living room floor, and the small stack of papers full of scribbled lyrics and notes scattered over the top of the piano. Stella's hand flew to cover her mouth as she glanced at everything in front of her, unable to even begin to think about what Nick had gone through since his phone call hours ago.

He'd never given them any clues that he was still hurting, still grieving over their loss, but they still knew. Anytime he was asked how he was doing, he was always quick to answer, saying that everything was just fine and that he's already moved on. Whenever someone mentioned Macy's name in front of him, even if it was just between the four of them, a pained look would pass over Nick's face, there just only for a second, before he reverted back to the same expression he sported directly before. He never wanted to talk about her either, always changing the subject as quickly as possible and not even paying attention to the new conversation except to direct the topic away from anything related to Macy.

Nick had always been known as the quiet one to everyone else except his brothers, Stella and Macy. That changed at some point, when Nick suddenly stopped confiding in them after the crash and neither Stella, Joe nor Kevin could do anything to change things back to the way it had been before. It made them all incredibly sad, recognizing the pain that he was trying to hide and not being able to do anything to help him. But he called today, which was a small step, but Stella would take anything right now.

They each took a seat on the floor, right next to Nick and the window seat, all staring out into the empty apartment. Silence filled the room as they sat there, each thinking their own thoughts, for what seemed like an eternity, but only thirty minutes had passed in reality.

"I think we all just needed to be together tonight," murmured Stella, needing to break the stifling, yet oddly comfortable silence, from her place on the floor.

"Yeah, we never should have tried dealing with today on our own," admitted Joe, holding his head in his hands. "God, I can't believe it's already been a year."

"We never should have left you alone, Nick. I'm sorry, dude," added Kevin quietly, his face uncharacteristically somber.

"It's alright, Kev. But thanks, you guys…for being here for me now," Nick replied quietly, still staring out the window, not turning to face them. Pushing a button on his phone and glancing down, he saw a smiling picture of Macy staring back at him. "I know I've been distant since…the crash. I-I want to change that though. I'm just… not sure… how long it's going to take…for me to be…okay tonight."

"Take as long you need, Nick. I don't care if we're here for days, but we're not leaving you," insisted Joe softly.

Stella squeezed Joe's shoulder for saying that, before standing up and leaning over to Nick. She wiped away the tears that had fallen onto her cheek before placing her hand on his shoulder and whispered, "I know you're in a lot of pain right now, Nick. But you need to let it out."

"I can't," was his whispered response, staring out the window once again, not even turning to face Stella. He knew she was crying and he couldn't handle seeing anyone cry right now. Joe and Kevin turned their heads to look at their brother, their tear-stained cheeks visible and incredulous looks etched upon their faces to his response.

"You need to face the pain you're feeling and actually mourn what we've all lost. You've been sad, you've been depressed, and I know you've been angry. But I haven't seen you shed a single tear since her funeral. " She swiped away tears that hit her cheek as she struggled to talk about her best friend.

"You just don't know, Stella. I sob every day. Every single day that she doesn't walk through that door, I sob. I sob for hours when I think about how I'll never get to hold her again, how I'll never hear her giggle again or how I'll never feel her whisper into my ear that she believes in me anymore. I sob every time I realize that I'll never hear her say that she loves me again. So don't tell me that I don't mourn her and that I don't face the pain. She's been gone for exactly a year today. Do you really think I haven't been upset?"

"Then let us help. You don't have to go through this alone. Please, Nick, share the pain with us," she pleaded, still managing to keep her voice just above a whisper. Joe reached for her hand and squeezed it, silently encouraging her to keep saying what they all wanted to tell Nick for months. "You need to stop hiding it from us. It hurts us even more knowing that you won't let us help you. "

He had no response to that. None, except finally breaking his gaze with the window and letting his head fall forward into his hands. He felt Stella sit down next to him on the window seat, scooting himself over to make sure she'd have enough room and allowed her head to rest on his shoulder. He could feel her tears seep through his shirt once they fell from her eyes, and it made him feel just that much closer to completely losing it. After a few moments, he felt her slightly lift her head off his shoulder, just enough so she could whisper something into his ear.

"Macy deserves so much more than you pretending you don't miss her whenever you're around us or other people, doesn't she?"

Hearing her name said aloud for the first time tonight was just enough to push him over the edge. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes and continued to hold his head in his hands, keeping his face hidden, hoping that neither Stella nor his brothers would notice. There was nothing he could do to stop the new round of tears that began to stream down his cheeks, as he replayed the conversation that had just taken place and Stella's words sunk in a few at a time. After a few moments, everything finally dawned on him, and he wasn't able to contain the heartbreaking sobs that escaped from his lips. Stella was right.

It seemed like his days were now filled with him hiding behind the façade he'd been forced to create, pretending to be the same old Nick Lucas he was before, whenever he wasn't by himself; so focused on making it seem like he was doing alright to everyone else, like he had accepted what had happened and was moving on. In reality though, nothing could be further from the truth. Acceptance had come very gradually, finally sinking in completely after seeing her name inscribed on the marble headstone a month after her funeral, directly above the lyrics he'd written about her.

_MACY MISA_

_Beloved daughter, sister and fiancé_

_Stars shine, but your light is the brightest_

_Love flies, but your love is the highest_

_It's you who makes me sing_

_I may not know where we are, but I know who I am_

_Baby, I'm your biggest fan_

No one would or could ever know the depth of his pain that day; when his eyes had swept over the string of words and his fingertips slowly moved across the smooth marble and trailed over each inscribed letter, forever etching them onto the pieces of his broken heart at the same time.

Yes, acceptance was inevitable, no matter how hard he tried to pretend it was all a sick nightmare. As the days passed and he lay alone in bed each night, he found himself missing all the little things that made his life feel complete; Macy breezing into their apartment, calling out to him with a "Sweetheart, I'm home", or the reassuring squeezes of his hand she provided when she knew he was stressed out or worried about something. Even the mere absence of feeling her body curled up beside his as they fell asleep each night was something he missed with a passion.

But moving on...he'd never understand how it was possible. How does one move on, when they've lost the person who was everything to them? A range of emotions would flood his senses each time he'd had to field a question or comment from a well-meaning friend or family member about how he needed to move on and each time, he'd internalize all the emotions he was feeling. After a while, it all began to take a toll on what was left of his spirit, forcing him to create a façade just so he could grieve and heal the way he needed to, without anyone telling him it was time to move on or get over it. Didn't anyone understand that he'd never be able to fully move on? He'd never leave his Macy behind; he wasn't capable of that.

But it never occurred to him that by always saying that he'd already moved on and never grieving around others, it seemed like he never missed her and that it was like her death had no effect on him. It also never occurred to him that his closest friends and family would be able to see right through his façade.

He finally decided that he was done being "strong", done holding his feelings back, done pretending like he didn't hurt every single day. He was done with everything, if only for tonight. Tomorrow, he'd go back to normal. He'd go back to pretending like he wasn't fazed by anything, go back to being the "serious" one, the one who rarely showed his emotions. He'd be that person again tomorrow. But tonight, tonight was to just feel without thinking. Tonight, he was just going to miss her. He was just going to think about her. He was going to spend tonight _longing_ for her to be back in his arms just one more time. Nothing else even mattered anymore. Tonight was just going to be about _his_ Macy, their love and the pain of having no other choice but to live without the one person he couldn't live without.

* * *

**A/N: If you read the whole thing, I want to first say THANK YOU! I know it was long, but I really felt like it all needed to be written. Second, did you cry? If you did, don't feel bad. I sobbed for weeks straight while writing this. So I'd love to hear what you think of it! Please review and tell me everything! Positive or negative, I'll take it all. :)**


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